I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Randomize
