Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
