Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
