She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We need to rekindle our bromance
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
