How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
