Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
