captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize