This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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