non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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