I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
