She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
