I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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