is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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