Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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