I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
