I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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