hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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