i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
