I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
