So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
