Im at strip club and am horny
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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