I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
