Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
there was a trapeze. enough said
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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