i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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