TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
