you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
