Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize