my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
