i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
