dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I love you. Go after that dick
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
