I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
