please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
