Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
