i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
