Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
