if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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