Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
