when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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