Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
