He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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