Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
