He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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