hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
