I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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