drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
