Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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