get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
