My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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