a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am midnight drunk by noon
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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