Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
