Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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