I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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