Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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